Tips on how to get over a broken relationship.

Step 1: Deciding to get over it.


The most important fundamental step in getting over someone, is always, step 1, which is actually deciding to actually get over someone. Many people actually forget or consciously decide to skip this step. For example, they'll go around saying, "how do i get over this person? what should i do, i just can't think anymore!" After listening to a long lecture filled with advise, they suddenly turn around and go, "But i still love him/her! I'm not sure if i want to get over him/her!". In which case, why are you even asking about how to get over the person, when you haven't even decided if you want to? Step 1 is a step where noone can really help you. They can give you various advice, (eg. he's a d*** get over him already! or he's not someone who comes everyday, try to work it out!) but yourself have to decide whether or not you feel its over. My own advice is try thinking rationally about. Follow these simple rules.


* When weighing the pros and cons, never ever mention to yourself : I still have feelings for him/i think he still has feelings for me.
* Think about the cause of the trouble in the first place. If it was trust issues, like you found your partner two timing you, if your partner says he/she's sorry, and you forgive him, do you really think you can continue for the rest of your relationship and trust him whenever he/she is out of sight?
* Think about long term compatibility. Do you think he/she would make a good husband/wife, a good parent? This forces you to think about personality traits, and habits, that may have appeared or become more noticeable only after getting into a relationship.
* Tip: Use pen and paper in writing out pros and cons. Ask friends to help list any additional cons if you're worried you may be biased. Then decide.
* Avoid asking yourself questions that have no answers. Eg: Was he/she lying to me all the while? Will i be forgotten? Will i find someone new?


Only when you've decided, "Yes, its over. We may/may not love each other, but the fact is, as two separate individuals, our lifestyles, habits, simply cannot match, and this relationship is over". Contrary to popular belief about love being able to conquer all, it cannot. Compromise must be reached, not plain tolerance. How long can you tolerate something, or even ONE bad thing about that person? A year? Two years? Certainly not a lifetime. You must compromise, and reach an agreement you're both happy about. Compromise. Not tolerance.

Step 2: Acceptance

Completing step 1 helps greatly in step 2. If you can decide that "Sigh, i want to get over him/her" it means you've accepted reality. You've accepted the fact that the relationship is over. You've accepted the fact, that while you've had some good times, some happy, laughing moments together, a future together, as life long mates, simply will not happen. It's okay to cry, take what time you need, get it all out of your system. Crying doesn't mean you're weak, and can't live without the person. I usually advice my friends to set a dateline, perhaps by the weekend. Cry and mourn all you want, but make a promise to yourself, that by that deadline, you will stop the period of mourning.

Metaphor: You're walking in the countryside, cool breeze in your face, the sky is brightest blue, yet sufficient clouds in the sky to make the sunlight on your skin feel just lukewarm. Suddenly, a bird flies overhead, and down comes a spray of shit, all over your head. How long will you stand there, and cry and moan and curse? Or will you decide to get yourself cleaned up? Just the same, your relationship is over, there is no true use in living in self pity, get yourself cleaned up. Wouldnt you advise anyone else to do the same?

Step 3: Methods of getting over someone

Step 3A: Power of the mind

Often people forget the power of the mind. It is certainly possible to brainwash yourself. What you say, can affect your moods and emotions. A good example is during studies, i was taught to look in the mirror, think about the subject you hate most, (in my case geography) and repeat to yourself, "I love geography". And i'd do this every single day, until geography became a tolerable subject, and even enjoyable in certain topics. By telling yourself you love the subject (even if u didnt), it encourages a positive attitude and outlook, which eventually becomes the core of your being.

Now after many break ups, i have many friends saying "I WANT to get over the person, i know it won't work out, BUT i still love him/her!"

From now on, use the power of your mind. From this very instant that you read this, make a pledge, that you will NEVER say "you still love him/her". Tell yourself everytime, "I'm moving on. I feel happy". No buts, no arguments. If in your head the thought "i may say it...but i still have feelings...", stop right there, shake your head vigorously, and tell yourself again, "No! I feel happy. I'm moving on."

Tests: So, after reading this, how do u feel, about your break up?
If you answered, still feeling down, still missing her, i still feel horrible, then read this entire step again. Your answer, should have been, "I'm starting to feel better." "I am recovering." "I'm moving on, i feel free".

Remember the power of the mind.


Step 3B: Power of the body

Few people realise that when you're in a relationship, oxytocin, a powerful peptide that makes you feel happy, contented, when you're with your partner. Have you ever felt, "Ah, the world could end right now, but i don't need anything else as long as he/she is by my side". Thats the oxytocin talking. After a break up, we often feel as if something is missing in our life. Not to ruin romanticism, but thats oxytocin missing.

Just like how a junkie gets manic depression when deprived of his drugs, lack of this feel good chemical can make you feel depressed, useless, and lonely.

So what can you do? Get substitutes! Exercise! Any form of exercise, from strenuous to the slow moving yoga, can help release feel-good hormones, that will actually make u feel refreshed and fight depression as it fills in the gap of the missing oxytocin.

Step 3C: Power of music

You KNOW that music has the power to influence your moods. You've heard the stories and metaphors a thousand times, how music can soothe the savage beast. And yet, you choose to listen to emo music, break up music, or simply music that remind you of your ex. STOP. Start listening to a different genre of music, more upbeat music. It influences your mood, it can make you happy, it can make your sad. Music is a powerful tool. Don't jab yourself up your ass with it.


Step 3D: Take time off away

For some people, step 3A, B and C may not be enough. Time heals all wounds, so if you must, feel free to take time off away from your partner. Of course, if he dumped you and he's a bastard, then that isn't much of a problem. But perhaps, it is a mutual break up, perhaps it was a circumstantial break up. Whatever the reason, if you wish to remain friends, perhaps, tell your ex, that your need some time alone, and you'll contact that person again when you're ready.

Done, then take your own sweet time, no rush, enjoy life. Sometimes talking to that person can bring back bad and sad memories, so take time to get away, so that step 3A, B and C can take effect. You should never need to get permanently away. A, B and C will work. Time heals all wounds. It is true. And if you disagree, and feel down, and feel you can never get over this person, please read step 3A again: Power of the mind.

Get away, meet new people, go out with friends, spend time at the movies, get a hobby, and even treat yourself, perhaps that ice cream you've been always wanting to try. You deserve it. As you've taken a huge step to self improvement. Congratulations!

So how are you feeling?
Better, much better, you're recovering, you're feeling better, you're getting a new lease on life.

Confessing is for loser

"Confessing" is for losers. Seriously. It is the lamest way of letting a girl know you like her, and it is not very effective. Here's why:

- You're giving up all control over the outcome. All the power is now in her hands to either say yes or no. There's nothing you can do about it anymore.
- You're putting unnecessary pressure on her. Suddenly she has to decide then and there how she feels about you, when she may not even be sure herself yet. And she may be afraid of hurting you if she says no. It's not fair to put her in such a position.
- You're asking her to love you back. You don't ask for love. You offer it, and if she accepts, she will offer hers in return.
- You're setting up an unrealistic expectation. Since you asked for her love, she will tend to see you as someone who always has to earn it. She will see herself as a princess to you, because you played the role of a beggar to her.
- You're creating the impression that you're ashamed to have feelings for her. Because that's what a confession is - an admission of guilt or wrongdoing. 
- You're making a huge dramatic moment out something very small. Liking a girl is ultimately a small thing.

Those last two points are perhaps the most important to understand. Just because you've met a girl whom you have the hots for, doesn't mean she's The One OMG!!!11And wanting to date her doesn't mean you're asking her to promise to marry you ASAP. If you're thinking this way, then of course you're ashamed to admit you like her, because you're expecting far more than she can realistically give. You're probably doing all you can to keep your feelings secret from her and everyone else like a lovesick schoolboy.

Stop being a lovesick schoolboy. Mature adults are not ashamed of their feelings. Whether you've fallen head over heels for her, or you just think she's really really pretty, you should not be afraid to show it - to her. And you can show it in a way that flatters her, that makes her feel desired, and that does not make her uncomfortable.

1) Eye contact. You know how two people tend to not look each other in the eye for too long? That there's usually a time limit before both people look away? Well, if you like this girl, maintain eye contact just a little longer than the time limit. Look at her just a little longer than necessary. Then give her a little smile before looking away. Don't stare, don't glue your eyes to her all the time. Just don't be afraid to show that you like looking at her.  

2) Make her laugh. It's one thing to get her to talk comfortably with you. It's another thing for her to enjoy talking to you, so much so that she remembers how much she enjoys talking to you. Be at your wittiest and most charming, put some effort into making her laugh. Don't be too shy to say something like, "Hey, wanna hear a joke?" Then tell her a dozen jokes, one after another. Let her know that you're purposely trying to make her happy.

3) Remember the things she says. Listen to what she has to say, then show her that you listened. If she mentioned her dog Poochie, greet her with "Hi, how's Poochie?" the next time you see her. If she mentioned she has trouble sleeping, ask her if she slept well the next day. If she likes a certain TV show, find out when the show airs, then ask her how was last night's episode the next day. Better yet, watch the show, so that you can talk about it with her. You can even tell her you didn't likethe show - the fact that you watched it just because of her is flattering enough.

4) Physical proximity/contact. This is a tricky one, so be very careful. Position yourself closer to her - not too close, but a little closer than normal. You know the distance between friends, and the distance between bf and gf? You want to be exactly halfway in-between. (And better make sure you're wearing deodorant!) Similarly, give her a little touch every now and then, but be careful. Touch her shoulder when you want to get her attention. When talking to her, pat her on her arm to emphasize a point; if you've gotten close enough to her, you can try her thigh. When walking together, put your hand on the small of her back to guide her in a different direction. Just don't let your hand linger there too long.

You know what's the best thing about all these? They are measurable. Meaning, you will know instantly whether or not they're working. If she likes you, she will return the eye contact with you; she will laugh at all your jokes; she will appreciate the fact that you remember things about her; she will stand close to you, and she will touch you. If she doesn't, then you'll know she's not interested. By doing these things, you're not only showing her you like her, you're also giving her the option of gently rejecting you - or subtly encouraging you.

And if you're getting all the right signals from her, it's time to move on to:

5) Ask her out. Just you and her. None of the rest of your gang. Nobody else. Yes, it's a date. It could be a movie, it could be a drink at a coffee place, or if you're really confident, it could be dinner at a nice restaurant. Don't treat it as if it's a big deal, as if by saying yes she'll be making a big commitment to you. Keep this in mind if she's reluctant - say, "Hey, it's just a movie/coffee/dinner, I'm not asking you to marry me laa."

And after you do all this, after you've got the date... then what?

Then you just let it happen naturally. And believe me, if you've gotten this far and the girl has been showing all the signs of liking you, it will happen naturally. Which may be a surprise if you've always thought that tackling a girl is a long, gruelling, agonizingly difficult task that involves a "confession". You may be surprised at how easy it was. Which is as it should be. (And don't give me that "if it's easy to get, you won't appreciate" nonsense.  ) If a guy and a girl like each other, they should fall into a relationship easily.

This is how mature adults do it. And even if you are a lovesick schoolboy, you should still do it this way. Because it's the right way to do it.

Note: these are not 5 steps. They're only arranged in that order from most to least daring, but you don't need to follow the order - except that if you want her to say yes to no. 5, you should've gotten good responses to nos. 1-4 first. No. 3 obviously only works from the second time you see her onwards, but if you're getting signals from her during your very first meeting, then by all means ask her out there and then. They're not 5 steps, they're 5 ways. 

Accepting, Feeling, and Releasing Painful Emotions

“Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav

Last year I developed some unexplained symptoms that could be likened to IBS, Chron’s disease, or even morning sickness (although I wasn’t pregnant, so there was no promise of a baby to make it all worth it).

I had no idea what caused it, why it was there, or what to do about it.

This shook me because I’d always had a strong intuitive connection with my body and I had always been healthy, but now when I asked my body a question, there was just silence.

It was as if a thick fog had parked right between my inner wisdom and me, blocking my channel of intuitive guidance about what to eat, what to avoid, and what was really going on underneath it all. It was so quiet—there weren’t even any crickets!

With my intuition evading me, I was stuck in the surface level “real” world to manage it. I was dealing with debilitating symptoms every day that were, bit by bit, wearing down my strength and self-control, until one day I crumbled in a heap.

I had decided to practice what I preach and do something nourishing, despite how terrible I felt. So I got my yoga mat with the intention of pushing through my discomfort to do something that would probably make me feel better. As soon as I felt that mat underneath my feet, I felt safe, I felt nurtured, I felt held.

I had entered a place where I could go deep and be real. I wasn’t expecting my yoga mat to hold me like the compassionate embrace of a lifelong friend, but that’s exactly what it did, and I surrendered to it.

Once the flow of tears began, there was no way I could stop it. The pain of the everyday struggle, the expectations I had of myself as a mother, the disappointment I felt from not being capable of living my life to the fullest, and the resentment I had toward “everyone else,” who could eat what they wanted without suffering the way that I was… it all came out.

And underneath it was frustration, then anger, then self-hatred, then rage, then emptiness, silence, and peace.

I didn’t have any revelations as to what this was all about or how to fix it, but I simply allowed myself to release everything that had been building up inside of me. And just when I thought the tears were done, more would flow. I screamed, I pounded the mat, and I breathed deeply until only peace remained.

Here’s what I took away from that experience.

1. Trust is essential.

Because my intuition went quiet, I stopped trusting myself. I had forgotten that my body was communicating with me in the only way that it could. I didn’t think to look for the lesson or meaning in it all.

Once I had released all my tears and pain, my sense of self-trust returned and I was able to bring myself back to a space of gratitude and openness.

Trusting that there is something to gain from your experience will help you to remain open to it rather than feeling bad about it.

2. It’s okay to cry.

Crying is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength, self-respect, and love.

You need to honor your urges to cry. Not only does it clear and release anything that you’ve been holding in, crying also connects you with the present and allows you to be your most authentic self, even if you’re alone like I was.

3. Self-compassion is a game-changer.

Once I let out all of the self-hatred that I had been holding onto, I made space for self-compassion.

I spoke lovingly to myself, I acknowledged the challenges that I had been facing, and I offered myself the nurturing and love that I had previously been searching for outside of myself.

Being your own friend is a powerful skill that can keep you strong and grounded in the face of adversity.

4. There’s no need to fear what’s inside of you.

It might seem dark and terrifying when you look at what you’re hiding inside of you, but there is not a single part of you that won’t benefit from being loved, accepted, and respected.

Shed some light onto the darkness; give each part of you a voice to express its needs, its pain, and its story. Once you realize that your inner demons cannot hurt you, you take away the power they once held over you and can start loving yourself unconditionally.

5. We all need a sacred space to be vulnerable.

We all need a space where we can explore, accept, heal, and (learn to) love ourselves.

For me it was the yoga mat, but for you it may be your meditation cushion, your local park or beach, or even in your bed.

Find or create a loving and unconditional space where you can be raw, honest, and vulnerable. Visit it whenever you get a sense that something within is ready to shift and release.

Surrender into the strong support of your sacred space, and remember that it’s safe to let your feelings flow. It may even be the best thing for you.